It is true that we feel more hurt when wronged by those we care about the most. The fact is, only people we care for can actually hurt our feelings, therefore, it is in the most intimate relationships that we truly get the opportunity to show real forgiveness and healing.
I personally like to think that most hurts inflicted aren’t done intentionally. The fact is that many people aren’t aware of how to express ourselves in relationships and how to take full responsibility for our happiness and not leave it in the hands of our partners. We often screw up our relationships perhaps because we were never taught how to sustain happy, healthy and loving relationships and in some cases, we end up hurting those we truly care about.
I also believe that only a person that is hurting will intentionally inflict pain or hurt on another person. Perhaps, they have been abused or neglected therefore; they feel devalued and thus feel the need to devalue others. In some cases, they have been on the receiving end of many lies so they find it difficult to trust people.
In some other cases, some people hate certain aspects of themselves and do all they can to hide it and in most cases, it makes such people isolate themselves and live a lonely life.
We have all been in situations where someone hurt through their words and or actions and they got to apologize for it. They knew that they had done wrong by you and took responsibility enough to ask for forgiveness, however, it is more common to find that people are not aware of when they wrong people and even when majority know, they will not as forgiveness.
There are a lot of people who cannot look at what they did – it’s just not who they are. They find it very difficult to admit fault because it would imply that they are inadequate, insecure or wrong and for that reason, they will not offer an apology.
Which leaves us with a choice…
We can allow the hate and resentment that we have towards that person to hurt us and weigh us down and follow us to the future. Perhaps we might try to avoid thoughts of the event or the person who hurt us in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.
We can decide to forgive them even though they are yet to ask for forgiveness. This way, we move ahead without carrying the burden of resentment from the past. We can heal that wound so it never hurts us in the future because if we don’t, it may keep people from knowing and loving us deeply as we deserve.
This is how I do it in my own case and I have discovered that it works like magic every single time:
I choose to look at it as a burden on the shoulders of the person who offended me.
The offender definitely has some fears, thoughts and beliefs that they carrying in their lives. I choose to believe that it is the wound that makes them develop painful or negative emotions within them and subconsciously, it reflects in their actions and choice of words.
For instance, I once loved someone who kept lying to me repeatedly and it took me a very long time to eventually stop beating myself up and even longer to stop being angry with the person. I only got to let go when I looked at some of the burdens or wounds the person is carrying. I decided to look towards the wounds of insecurity and fear rather than the arrogance and dishonesty that I had been carrying in my thoughts ever since.
I would have remained stuck if I decided to keep focusing on the hurt and lies. I would also be stuck in the past and go through life like someone carrying an invisible 20-pound weight on my shoulders.
The feelings of anger I had towards him changed to compassion when I started looking at things from the angle of the wounds he was carrying that made him hurt others, including myself. That enabled me to move forward thus making me accept an apology that was never issued. I chose to make the problem theirs and not mine.
There is a lot more freedom in compassion than there is in resentment and anger!